


two roads diverged

by electrikette



Series: How Way Leads On To Way [2]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Contemplation of Suicide, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, No Proofreading We Die Like Men, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, anyway validate me in the comments pls and thnks, basically neil runs away from his asshole dad cause screw him right, can't believe the fandom that pulled me out of fanfiction retirement was dead poet's society, do not worry this is very much a neil lives au, enjoy this mess that i just spent the last six hours on, that no one asked for, this is what social distancing does to me i guess, ~or is it~
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23440939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrikette/pseuds/electrikette
Summary: On the morning of December 5th, 1959, Neil Perry made a phone call from a dingy little diner in Montpelier, Vermont.Or, basically, how Dead Poet's really ends in my imagination, ie: a lot gayer and happier.
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: How Way Leads On To Way [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1688722
Comments: 14
Kudos: 85





	two roads diverged

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning to all readers, while this is a Neil!lives au/fix-it, I do still talk about his suicide attempt a lot in this fic. So, if this a touchy subject/triggering to you, read at your own risk! Otherwise, enjoy!

On the morning of December 5th, 1959, Neil Perry made a phone call from a dingy little diner in Montpelier, Vermont. 

When Neil ducked out of the bitter cold and into the fluorescent warmth of the restaurant, the young waitress behind the counter glanced up from her mopping to give him a wary look. It was five minutes past five in the morning, and with the exception of two men in a corner booth tucking into coffee and pie, he was the only one here this early. 

“If you’re looking to eat or something,” the waitress spoke up - leaning heavily on her mop handle, “then I’d go someplace else. Stovetop is acting up this morning. We’re calling in to have it looked at, but it'll be a while.” 

Neil rubbed his chilled hands together and shifted on his feet. “I’m just looking for a payphone, if that’s alright?” 

“Oh, sure,” the waitress chirruped, brightening up a bit - probably happy she didn't have to deal with Neil as a customer. She pointed down a dim hallway behind her.

“Just down past the bathrooms, turn right and you’ll bump right into it. Real private.” 

Neil gave her a tired smile and murmured a “thank you.” His shoes squeaked on the white tile as he walked past. One of the haggard booth-men gave him a bored look over the lip of his coffee cup before Neil disappeared from view. 

Sure enough, the payphone was where she said it was, tucked next to what Neil guessed was a storage closet. Even with the buzzing light overhead, the hallway was shadowed and dull. Neil leaned against the wall beside the phone, tipping his temple against the cold plaster, and took a moment to close his eyes. 

If Neil could have wished for anything at that moment, he would have wanted to be back in his bed at Welton. Light would just be beginning to filter in, painting his and Todd’s room in hushed blues and purples. Maybe it would have been one of those mornings Todd slept on his stomach, face turned towards Neil, and Neil would have been able to take the chance to count Todd’s breaths.

It was an oddly soothing thing to do. 

While Todd slept was the only time Neil allowed himself to really stare as much as he wanted. During waking hours - in their room, in class, or in the Poet’s cave - it was all quick and stolen glances. Little shared smiles which Neil took as they came. 

It was only during the barest glints of the morning that Neil truly drank his fill. 

There, with everything dulled by a blanket of snow and darkness, it felt so quiet and secret - almost holy. Neil would look at Todd, and find himself getting as close to prayer as he ever got.

_Please, just let me have this. Let things stay like they are, at least for a while._

Because for every morning Neil would study Todd by the slowly rising sun, he knew he was working with a finite currency. Neil and Todd lived in each other’s pockets for now, but it wouldn't last. Either they’d drift apart next year when they were no longer roommates, or their friendship would fade after graduation. No matter what, though, Neil had always been aware of the fact that there would come a day he would lose what he had with Todd. 

He supposed that day was today. And here he was, not ready to say goodbye just yet. 

Neil pushed off the wall with a sigh and plugged his five cents into the payphone. Next, he pulled a scrap of paper out of the pocket of his Welton issued coat and dialed the number that was written there. 

It rang once, twice. Neil’s jaw worked. A third ring, and then the line was picked up.

“Neil?” Todd whispered. 

That voice. Neil closed his eyes again for a moment, and nodded even though no one could see him.

“It’s me.” 

“Where are you calling from?”

“I’m in some 24-hour diner in Montpelier,” Neil answered, whispering back, even though he didn’t really need to. Todd was the one back at Welton, after all. Sure, he was tucked away in Mr. Keating’s private room, but you never knew at Welton who might be listening. Charlie swore Nolan never slept, and just prowled the halls like a vampire. 

Mr. Keating's room was the only place where Todd could take Neil’s call, though. Neil hoped Todd hadn’t been waiting up all this time.

“Have you gotten any sleep tonight?” Neil asked. 

A quiet hum sounded on the other end. “None. What about you?” 

“Maybe 20 minutes in the car? I’ll sleep more on the bus.” 

There was a long pause. “'On the bus’?” Todd asked slowly.

Neil scratched slightly at the paint beside the dial-wheel. Some of it flaked away. “Mr. Keating and I are splitting up here, and I’m getting on a Greyhound in half an hour. He’s getting my ticket right now.” 

“How long before you’ll come back to Welton?” Todd whispered, sounding anxious.

Neil’s heart squeezed. “I don’t think I’m coming back, Todd.” 

“This year, you mean?” Todd shot back.

“I don’t think I’m coming back at all,” Neil finished, solemn. 

He heard rustling on the other end, and when Todd started speaking again his voice had a new urgency to it. 

“What do you - you can’t _not_ come back. What will I -- the poet’s _need_ you. Are you sure your father-” 

Todd cut himself off. Neil’s mind flashed to the day Todd advised him to tell his father about the play. No doubt Todd was thinking of it too. Everyone - Todd, Mr. Keating, even Neil himself - was always giving Thomas Perry more credit than he deserved. But after last night, Neil finally knew that there was no talking his father out of the future he had planned for his only son. There was no more room for negotiation, there never had been. 

Neil _was_ trapped. The only way out was to escape. 

He thought he’d had it all figured out last night. Around the stroke of midnight, Neil had been sitting in his father’s study and holding a gun in his hand for the second time in his life. 

The first time he’d ever held that gun had been on the day he'd turned 13 years old - _a young man_ , his father had proclaimed him. Apparently, this achievement earned him the reward of being shown how to work the gun Thomas Perry kept in his desk for emergencies. His father had shown him how to load it, clean it, cock it, aim it,- Neil had done everything except actually fire the thing. 

He hadn’t liked touching the gun - the power it had scared him - and he hadn’t been able to keep a slight tremor out of his hands, then. His father had seen that tremor, and been upset by it.

 _Guns are an important thing for a man to have, Neil,_ his father had snapped, snatching the weapon from his hands, and then unloading it with an efficient familiarity. He had carefully set it back in its drawer and looked Neil in the eye.

 _Sometimes, they’re the only thing that can get you out of a bad situation._

Neil had always remembered his father saying that.

That was the first time Neil had held a gun. Last night, shed entirely of Puck, Neil had planned for his second encounter with a gun to be his last.

Neil wasn’t sure how long he’d stared at the weapon before he picked it up. No tremor in his hands now, and no feeling of cold metal either - his hands had been too numb to register that. The only sensation Neil had been able to feel was that strange, howling emptiness within him. It was as if the snowstorm that raged outside the window had caught itself inside him - sticking to his ribs. It burned his stomach and filled his mind with nothing but the sound of wind. 

Neil’s fingers had tensed around the power - the decision - he held in his hand. 

Then the phone on the desk had rung.

That still and fateful moment shattered like a snowglobe. Violently opened up to the world, Neil had his first coherent thought. 

_Get the phone you idiot, the noise will wake Father up_. 

He’d snatched at the phone instinctively and held it up to his ear, breathing ragged. Then, a voice - a boy’s voice, the only voice that mattered - had come through the receiver. 

_N-Neil? Is that you?_

Neil’s breath hitched. What did he do? He could answer Todd, but where would that lead? He could also simply hang up and be dead before he heard Todd call back. 

Gun in one hand, the receiver in the other. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. 

Neil saved the other for another day. 

_It’s me,_ Neil had breathed out, letting the gun slip and thud softly onto the carpet. His other hand came up to cradle the phone harder to his ear, closer to Todd’s wavering voice.

_I’m sorry I called, I know I’m being crazy, and that it’s so late it’s just, I-I-I just I-_

_I had a bad feeling._

And now five hours later, here Neil was again, on the phone with Todd. 

“This can’t be the only option, Neil,” he implored. 

It wasn’t, but Neil didn’t want to tell Todd what other escape he’d considered. Because the truth of it was, if Todd hadn’t called, Neil had no doubt in his mind what he would have done. This dimly lit, grease-smelling, payphone reality would not exist if it weren't for Todd.

Not only did Todd call - just because he had a feeling Neil needed him - but he also crept through the school to wake Mr. Keating. He was the reason Mr. Keating met Neil at one in the morning, in the middle of a snowstorm, to drive him two hours to Montpelier. Todd was the reason Neil wasn’t on the carpet of his father’s study right now, as cold and inanimate as the gun beside him. 

_How do you tell someone they saved your life?_

You don’t, Neil decided, but maybe he could get by on half-truths.

“This is the only option I can live with, I think,” Neil murmured.

Todd was silent. He took a couple of breaths. Neil waited. 

“Where are you going?” 

Neil screwed his mouth to the side. “Mr. Keating told me not to tell you. He said the less everyone knows, the better.” 

“Bullshit,” Todd cursed, taking Neil aback, “I deserve to know where my best friend is going.” 

Neil blinked. Todd was angry - which was rare in itself - but that wasn't what Neil was caught on. Something in his chest was cracking a little. “I’m your best friend?”

“I - yes?” Todd sounded incredulous. “Of course you - you had to know that Neil.” 

“I didn’t, actually,” Neil croaked, and it was true. He knew Todd and he were close, but at the same time, he’d always assumed he was a little much for the other boy. No doubt his constant pushing and badgering for Todd to step past his comfort zone were annoyances more than anything else, though he was glad when Todd humoured him. 

To know that of all the people Todd had met this year, all the relationships he’d formed, he held his and Neil’s bond the closest…

Of course, it would never match how Neil felt, but it was more than he’d ever thought to ask for. 

There was a lump, suddenly, in Neil’s throat. “You’re my closest friend too, you know.” 

Todd scoffed. 

“What?” Neil demanded.

“You don’t need to -- don’t just say that Neil, it’s fine,” Todd protested. “You’ve known some of the other boys way longer than you’ve known me-” 

“How long I’ve known them has nothing to do with it! You’re important to me. And-” Neil stopped, considering. His heart pounded in his chest so much he could feel it in his ears. How much was he willing to let show here?

He shifted on his feet, weighing the decision.

_To hell with it, this is your goodbye after all._

“Todd,” he started, significantly, “I owe more to you than you’ll ever know. I’m sorry I won’t be able to be there for your next birthday. I’m sorry that you _will_ have to take care of yourself from here on out. I wish it could be any other way. I meant for it to be another way.” 

Todd didn’t say anything. Neil continued.

“But just because I’m gone doesn’t mean you have an excuse. I’m fully expecting you to lead Dead Poet’s Society meetings now, and read in front of the class for Mr. Keating. Hell, join in on a few of Charlie’s shenanigans. You have to seize the day at Welton as much as you can now, for you and me both.” 

A deep breath in. Neil knew this was too much, he knew no normal boy was supposed to care this much about another, best friend or no. But what did it matter? Neil was gone, he wasn’t going back to Welton, so if he was giving himself away, at least he didn’t have to face the consequences. At least this was over the phone, so he couldn’t see the disgust and fear in Todd’s eyes first-hand. At least he was losing Todd anyway.

“I know everyone thinks your brother is the unforgettable one, but I think it could be you, if you let the world see what I see every day,” he finished. 

Silence. Neil's mouth felt dry.

“Neil-” Todd started, sounding choked, and Neil was suddenly scared of what he was going to say. 

“I’m going to Providence. Rhode Island,” he interrupted. 

“Neil-”

“Mr. Keating has a friend there, I guess. We’re gonna call him really quick after I’m finished here, and then I’m on my way so-” 

“Will you-” 

“-stay in Mr. Keating’s room. He’ll be back before classes start at 8:30, it’s only a two-hour drive from Montpel-” 

“Neil!” Todd interjected. 

Neil looked down at his feet. Kicked the baseboard once, twice. 

“Yeah?” he asked, shutting his eyes, as if that could protect him from whatever Todd was about to say.

“After all of this is done, would you- could I-?” Todd sighed. It was a frustrated sound.

“The day I graduate, could I come? To Providence? T-to be… with you?” 

Neil’s grip made the plastic phone creak, he was holding it so tight. _To be with him._ Did that mean - did it mean what Neil thought? 

No, it couldn’t. It couldn’t.

But why else would Todd -- 

“Why?” he said aloud, bewildered. “Why would you do that?” 

Todd rushed to speak again. “Nevermind, it was stupid-” 

“No, no,” Neil cut in, “it’s not stupid. If after Welton… if you want to come to Providence, then I’ll be there, waiting for you. But would you really come? Would you really want to?” 

Todd paused for a moment. Neil held his breath.

“Where else is worth being, other than with you?” 

One heartbeat. Another. Another.

“Oh,” Neil murmured. He brought a hand up to rub at his chest, and huffed a soft laugh.

Neil knew Todd didn’t mean what he was saying in the way Neil wanted him to mean it, of course. Todd, for all that he acted like a shrinking violet, was full of fiery passion. Neil had caught glimpses of it at times. It only made sense that he would bring that depth of emotion, that soulfulness, to his friendships. 

It would be easy for Neil to mistake Todd’s platonic love for something else entirely, if he let himself.

He refused to let himself.

Maybe Todd would turn up on his doorstep after graduation, maybe he wouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t. But it was still a nice dream, and Neil was grateful to Todd for giving it to him. It wasn't something to hope for - Neil wouldn't allow himself to indulge in false hope - but still, it was something to think about. An idle daydream Neil could entertain, during his lonely moments to come.

Neil sighed, knowing his time was up. “I have to go. Providence isn’t going to happen at all if I don’t catch this bus.” 

“Oh, I -- right.” 

“After I do this, you know that Nolan is going to be watching you, Mr. Keating, and all of the boys like a hawk, right? You'll all be my father's prime suspects. I can’t risk calling the school, or sending letters.” 

There was no hesitation in Todd’s voice. “We’ll find a way to be in touch,” he insisted. “Mr. Keating and I will figure out a way.” 

Neil put a hand in his pocket, ducking his head. Everything Todd had done for him in the last five hours played through his mind, and here he was, offering to do more, be more - all for Neil. 

Neil didn’t know how or when, but someday, he was going to pay Todd back tenfold for all of this, when he had the means to. Someday when he had more than just a backpack filled with his scant worldly possessions and spare allowance to his name.

Today though, he’d settle for simple words.

“Todd… thank you.”

Todd's voice was soft. “Of course."

Neil sighed. “I have to go." He knew he had to end this now before he didn’t have the power to anymore. “We’ll talk soon, okay? I know we will," a pause. "Goodbye, Todd.”

Like ripping off a band-aid, he had already moved the receiver away from his ear when he heard Todd’s voice come through, tinny and thin. 

“Wait, Neil!” Todd urged.

He brought the receiver back to his ear as quickly as he’d taken it away. “Todd?” 

For two heartbeats, Todd didn’t say anything. Then: 

“Carpe Diem, okay?” 

For the first time since all of this started, Neil grinned. It was the same grin that had lit up his face last night, surrounded by applause and castmates, with velvet curtains swirling behind him. It felt good.

“Todd," Neil began, "if any day is mine to seize, it’s this one.” 

_And it’s all thanks to you._

Neil hung up the phone. 

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway yeah it's been literally 7 years since I wrote fanfiction and posted it, but I could not get how much I hated that Neil dies in the movie out of my head. Absolute garbage!!! So I dreamed up a way he could've lived. And then I wrote it down, badly. 
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this though, so if you enjoyed it, it would really mean the world to me if you let me know in the comments. Really, I may actually cry. 
> 
> Also, just in case anyone was confused by what was going on in this fic, a brief little timeline: 
> 
> \- Everything happens as it does in the movie up until the moment Neil is about to kill himself.  
> \- Instead, Todd calls Neil's phone from Welton, which sits on his father's desk. This inadvertently saves Neil.  
> \- In the full conversation, which I didn't write, Todd tells Neil that he's going to send Mr. Keating to come pick him up.  
> \- Mr. Keating tells Todd before he leaves to stay in his room and wait by his phone for a call from either him and Neil.  
> \- Mr. Keating picks up Neil and drives him two hours away to Montpelier (the capital of Vermont). They plan in the car for Neil to stay with a friend of Mr. Keating's in Providence, RI.  
> \- Todd calls Neil while Mr. Keating buys his ticket.
> 
> Also, *cough cough* if you /really/ enjoyed it, I have a lot of other ideas for this universe, I guess? And by a lot of ideas I mean I basically have the entire au written in my head already. So, if you'd like to read more, let me know that too! 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading!


End file.
